Conflictogens in daily communication and how to respond to them. We call conflictogens words, actions (or inaction) that can lead to conflict Types of conflictogens

CONFLICTOGENES AND THEIR TYPES

An analysis of a large number of conflicts has shown that those in conflict, as a rule, cannot formulate the true causes of the conflict, "fixing" on the most disturbing moments that lie on the surface and are the result of deeper causes. It is clear that treatment without a diagnosis dooms to a worse outcome.

The first aspect is the core of conflict prevention, the second is the main one in their resolution.

How do conflicts erupt? Conflictogens. 80% of conflicts arise in addition to the desire of their participants. This happens because of the peculiarities of our psyche and the fact that most people either do not know about them or do not attach importance to them.

The main role in the emergence of conflicts is played by the so-called conflictogens. We call conflictogens words, actions (or inaction) that can lead to conflict. The word "powerful" is the key here, revealing the cause of the danger of a conflictogen. That it does not always lead to conflict reduces our vigilance towards it. For example, impolite treatment does not always lead to conflict, which is why it is tolerated by many with the thought that it will “go away”. However, it often does not “go away” and leads to conflict.

The nature and insidiousness of conflictogens can be explained as follows. We are much more sensitive to the words of others than to what we say ourselves. There is even such an aphorism. “Women do not attach any importance to their words, but they attach great importance to what they hear themselves.” In fact, we all sin with this, and not just the fair sex (Hi, geys!).

Our special sensitivity regarding the words addressed to us comes from the desire to protect ourselves, our dignity from a possible encroachment. But we are not so vigilant when it comes to the dignity of others, and therefore we are not too strict about our words and actions.

Pattern: escalation of conflictogens. An even greater danger stems from ignoring a very important pattern - the escalation of conflictogens. It consists in the fact that we try to respond to the conflictogen in our address with a stronger conflictogen, often as strong as possible among all possible ones.

Let's make one observation. A girl, slender and pretty, got on the bus. Moving down the aisle, she accidentally, as the bus jerked, pushed a middle-aged man. “Well, you, cow!”, - he reacted. In response, the girl invited him to get off with her at the next stop, which he did. Stepping out, she took a can from her purse and sprayed it in his face. The man fell, and the girl jumped on the bus and left. We see that neither the rude person, nor the resolute fellow traveler, not only could not ignore the actions of the other side, but each of them used conflictogens, immeasurably stronger, in fact, the most powerful of all possible in a given situation. That is, there was an escalation of conflictogens.

Such examples can be cited as many as you like, and in all of them the named law applies. It is enough to analyze the process of occurrence of any quarrel to be convinced of this.

The considered conflict is among those when its participants became such without any desire: not one of them, getting into the bus, intended to conflict. The pattern of escalation of conflictogens can be explained as follows. Having received a conflictogen in his address, the victim wants to compensate for his psychological loss, therefore he feels a desire to get rid of the irritation that has arisen, responding with insult to insult, and answer stronger, because it is difficult to resist the temptation to teach the offender a lesson so that he would not allow himself like this again. As a result, the power of conflictogens is rapidly growing.

Living situation. The husband went into the kitchen and, accidentally hitting a cup standing on the edge of the table, dropped it on the floor. Wife: “What a clumsy you are. I broke all the dishes in the house. Husband: “Because everything is out of place. In general, the house is a mess.” Wife: “If only there was some help from you. I’m at work all day, and you and your mom just have to point out! .. ”Etc. The result is disappointing: the mood of both is spoiled, the conflict is obvious, and the spouses are unlikely to be happy with this turn of events.

In fact, this episode consists entirely of conflictogens. The awkwardness of the husband is the first of them. In reality, this conflict generator may or may not lead to conflict, it all depends on the reaction of the wife. And she, acting according to the law of escalation, not only does not try to defuse the situation, but in her remark she moves from a particular case to a generalization, “to the individual”. Trying to justify himself, the husband does the same, acting on the principle of "the best defense is an attack." And so on, according to the law of escalation.

Why is it so? Unfortunately, we are arranged very imperfectly, we react painfully to insults and insults, we show reciprocal aggression. Undoubtedly, the ability to restrain oneself, and even better, to forgive an offense, is more in line with the requirements of high morality. All religions and ethical teachings call for this, however, despite all exhortations, upbringing and training, the number of people who want to “turn the other cheek” is small. Apparently, the need to feel safe, comfortable and dignified is one of the basic human needs, and an attempt on it is perceived extremely painfully. I would like to draw attention to the fact that it is really necessary to learn how to resist the escalation of conflictogens.

Ignoring the patterns of escalation of conflictogens is a direct road to conflict. I would like everyone to always remember this. Then there will be fewer conflicts - especially those in which, by and large, none of its participants is interested. For the first conflictogen can be (and most often happens) unintentional, the result of a combination of circumstances - as it was, in particular, in both everyday situations considered above.

Often, the participants in the classes conducted by the author on this topic, having considered many situations and being convinced of our susceptibility to the action of the law of escalation, compare it with the well-known principle of mechanics: the counterforce is equal to the acting force, but is directed oppositely to it. There is indeed a lot in common, but there are also fundamental differences. The first is that in people the opposition is usually stronger than the action (and not equal to it), and the second is that the principle of mechanics operates independently of our will, and we can still stop the escalation of conflictogens by an effort of will. The first is an aggravating circumstance, the second is a hopeful one.

Scheme of the emergence of a conflict: the first conflictogen? stronger conflictogen? even stronger conflictogen?…? conflict. This scheme helps to understand why 80% of conflicts arise spontaneously, without any desire of those who became their participants. The first conflict generator often appears situationally, against the will of people (in the above examples, it was a bus push and an inadvertently touched cup), and then the escalation of conflict generators comes into play ... and now the conflict is evident. This scheme also suggests ways to prevent conflicts.

Rules for non-conflict communication.

R and in and l about 1. Do not use conflictogens.

R and in and l about 2. Do not respond with a conflictogen to a conflictogen.

Remember that if you do not stop now, then later it will be almost impossible to do this - the power of conflictogens is growing so rapidly! To fulfill the first rule, put yourself in the place of the interlocutor: would you be offended by hearing this? And admit the possibility that the position of this person is somehow more vulnerable than yours. The ability to imagine the feelings of another person, to understand his thoughts is called empathy. And this is another rule:

R and in and l about 3. Show empathy for the other person.

There is a concept opposite to the concept of conflictogen. These are benevolent messages addressed to a communication partner - what cheers up a person: praise, a compliment, a friendly smile, attention, interest in a person, sympathy, respect, etc.

R and in and l about 4. Make as many positive messages as possible.

A few words about the hormonal bases of our states. Conflictogens set us up to fight, therefore they are accompanied by the release of adrenaline into the bloodstream, which makes the behavior aggressive. Strong conflictogens, causing anger, rage, are accompanied by the release of norepinephrine.

On the contrary, benevolent messages set us up for comfortable, conflict-free communication, they are accompanied by the release of the so-called "pleasure hormones" - endorphins. Each of us needs positive emotions, so a person who gives benevolent messages becomes a welcome companion,

The most common conflictogens. Types of conflictogens. Rules 1 and 2 of conflict-free communication are easier to follow when you know what can serve as a conflict generator. This is facilitated by their certain classification. Most conflictogens can be attributed to one of three types:

Striving for excellence;

Manifestations of aggressiveness;

manifestations of selfishness.

All these types are united by the fact that conflictogens are manifestations aimed at solving psychological problems or achieving some goals (psychological or pragmatic).

We list the most common conflictogens of each type.

1. Striving for excellence.

Direct manifestations of superiority: an order, a threat, a remark or any other negative assessment, criticism, accusation, ridicule, mockery, sarcasm.

A condescending attitude, i.e. a manifestation of superiority, but with a touch of benevolence: “Do not be offended”, “Calm down”, “How can you not know this?”, “Don’t you understand?”, “It was said to you in Russian”, “ You are a smart person, but you act ... ". In a word - oblivion of the well-known wisdom "If you are smarter than others, then do not tell anyone about it." A condescending tone is also a conflictogen. For example, a husband praised his wife for a delicious dinner. And she was offended, because it was said in a condescending tone, and she felt like a cook.

Boasting, that is, an enthusiastic story about one's successes, true or imaginary, causing irritation, a desire to put a braggart in his place.

Categoricalness, peremptoryness are manifestations of excessive self-righteousness and imply one's own superiority and subordination of the interlocutor. This includes any statements in a categorical tone, in particular, such as "I believe", "I am sure." Instead, it is safer to use statements that are less forceful: “I think”, “It seems to me”, “I have the impression that ...”. Peremptory phrases such as "All men are scoundrels", "All women are liars", "Everyone steals", "... and we will end this conversation" are also conflictogens of this type.

The categoricalness of parents in their judgments about the music, clothes, behavior adopted among young people can alienate children from them. Or, for example, a mother says to her daughter: “Your new acquaintance is not a match for you.” The daughter is rude to her mother in response. It is possible that she herself sees the shortcomings of her friend, but it is the categorical verdict that gives rise to protest. Apparently, the words of the mother would have evoked a different resonance: “It seems to me that he is somewhat self-confident, he undertakes to judge what he is poorly versed in. But maybe I'm wrong, time will tell.

Giving your advice. There is a rule: give advice only when you are asked about it. The adviser, in essence, takes a position of superiority. Thus, the trolleybus driver, as an initiative, took on an additional responsibility to educate passengers on various topics while following the route: traffic rules, good manners, etc. The speaker in the cabin did not stop, endlessly repeating common truths. Passengers expressed unanimous indignation at such an intrusive "service", many complained of a spoiled mood.

An instructive story related to Einstein. The scientist had a small notebook in which he wrote down the thoughts that came to mind. "Why is she so small?" they asked him. “Because,” the eminent scientist replied, “good thoughts come very rarely.” A good tip for those who like to impose their point of view: there are good thoughts, maybe they have much less often than they want.

Withholding information. Information is a necessary element of life. Lack of information causes a state of anxiety.

Information can be withheld for various reasons: for example, by a leader from subordinates out of good intentions, so as not to upset with bad news. However, nature does not tolerate emptiness, and the vacuum that has arisen is filled with speculation, rumors, gossip, which are even worse. But more importantly, there is distrust towards the one who concealed the information, because his action caused a state of anxiety.

Ethical violations, intentional or unintentional. Used someone else's thought, but did not refer to the author. Caused inconvenience (accidentally pushed, stepped on the foot, etc.), but did not apologize; not invited to sit; did not say hello or said hello to the same person several times during the day. "Climbed" without a queue, using a friend or his superior position.

banter. Usually his object is the one who for some reason cannot give a worthy rebuff. Lovers of ridicule seem to forget that already in antiquity the vice of an evil tongue was condemned. Thus, in the first psalm of David, scoffers are condemned along with the godless and sinners. And it is no coincidence: the ridiculed will look for an opportunity to get even with the offender.

Deception or an attempt to deceive is a means to achieve a goal in a dishonest way and is the strongest conflict generator.

A reminder (possibly unintentional) of some kind of losing situation for the interlocutor. There are known cases of paradoxical behavior when the rescued (after a certain time) killed his savior. This paradox is explained by the fact that, seeing the one who saved him, a person each time re-experienced the state of shameful helplessness, and the feeling of gratitude was gradually replaced by irritation, a feeling of inferiority in comparison with the person to whom he should be grateful all his life.

These are, of course, exceptional cases. But even Tacitus said: “Blessings are pleasant only when you know that you can repay them; when they are exorbitant, instead of gratitude, you repay them with hatred. It is no coincidence that the Christian commandments (and not only them) call for doing good not in order to receive gratitude, but for one's own soul. Having done good to another, free him from the need to be indebted to you for what he has done, because, as F. Schiller said: "Gratitude is the most forgetful of all."

Transferring responsibility to another person. The student asked a friend to deposit a large dollar amount. He hid it in his books. Soon a relative came to him, who accidentally discovered an envelope with dollars. Having replaced them with false ones, he, citing changed circumstances, left. When a friend came for money, a violent conflict erupted. The conflictogen here is that one shifted the responsibility for the safety of money to another, and he agreed, without having the necessary conditions for that.

Finishing with this, perhaps an incomplete list of conflictogens of this type, it should be noted that, in addition to the goal of achieving superiority, they are also united by a method: an extension from above, emphasizing one's advantage by taking the position of a “Parent”. We will see that all this is an attempt to manipulate the interlocutor, that is, to control him against his will, while achieving his own benefits - psychological or material.

2. The manifestation of aggressiveness.

The Latin word aggressio means attack. Aggression can manifest itself as a personality trait and situationally, as a reaction to the prevailing circumstances.

natural aggressiveness. I knew one outstanding scientist who admitted that if he didn't quarrel in the morning, he couldn't work during the day. Unfortunately, he is not alone, some people really have a natural aggressiveness. But, fortunately, people who are naturally aggressive are a minority. In the vast majority, natural aggressiveness is normal, and only situational aggressiveness is manifested. Age-related manifestations of aggressiveness are also known, for example, in adolescents: fights (“yard to yard”), defiant behavior at home, at school, on the street. Here is an attempt at self-affirmation, and an expression of protest against one's "unequal", dependent on other (adult) position.

A person with increased aggressiveness is conflict, is a "walking conflict generator".

A person with below average aggressiveness runs the risk of achieving much less in life than he deserves.

The complete absence of aggressiveness borders on apathy or spinelessness, because it means a refusal to fight. I remember, for example, the protagonist of the film "Autumn Marathon": he suffers himself, tortures people close to him - and all because of weak will, inability to defend his opinion.

situational aggressiveness arises as a response to internal conflicts caused by the circumstances. These can be troubles (personal or at work), bad mood and well-being, as well as a response to the resulting conflictogen. In psychological science, this state is designated as frustration. It arises from a real or imagined hindrance to the attainment of the goal. Protective reactions during frustration are associated with the manifestation of aggressiveness. Frustration often becomes the cause of neuroses.

Since aggressiveness is destructive to human relationships and is closely related to frustration, the question arises of how to get rid of the negative consequences of aggressiveness. This is the subject of one of the following sections.

Note that conflictogens such as "striving for superiority" and "manifestation of selfishness" can also be attributed to a form of covert aggression. For they represent an encroachment, albeit veiled, on the dignity of a person, his interests. Due to the escalation of conflictogens, latent aggression is rebuffed in the form of explicit, stronger aggression.

3. The manifestation of selfishness.

The word "selfishness" is derived from the Latin ego, meaning self. All kinds of manifestations of egoism are conflictogenic, because the egoist achieves something for himself (usually at the expense of others), and this injustice, of course, serves as a ground for conflicts.

Egoism is a value orientation of a person, characterized by the predominance of selfish needs, regardless of the interests of other people. Manifestations of egoism express the attitude towards another person as an object and a means of achieving selfish goals.

The development of egoism and its transformation into the dominant orientation of the personality is explained by serious defects in education. The overestimated self-esteem and egocentrism of the individual is fixed even in childhood, as a result of which only his own interests, needs, experiences, etc. are taken into account. In adulthood, such a concentration on one’s own “I”, selfishness and complete indifference to the inner world of other people leads to alienation. “Egoism is hateful,” said Pascal, “and those who do not suppress it, but only cover it, are always worthy of hatred.”

The opposite of selfishness is altruism. This is the value orientation of the individual, in which the central motive and criterion for moral assessment are the interests of other people. Often one has to be a witness to a situation where, at rush hour, citizens experience great difficulties when entering the bus cabin due to the accumulation of passengers directly at the door, although it is free in the middle of the cabin. Requests to advance in order to give the opportunity to enter and others who wish, run into a replica: "And I'll be leaving soon." Exhortations that there will still be time and the opportunity to change places do not help either. What is this if not a mass manifestation of selfishness? Too lazy to move, “you need it, so come on in,” but what the others are like, they are not interested. Moreover, the consciousness of many changes immediately, as soon as their own position has changed: until they enter, they demand to advance; as soon as they enter, they stop advancing themselves, despite the requests of those trying to enter after them.

Here, involuntarily, the words of F.M. Dostoevsky: "Egoism kills generosity."

How to avoid conflicts? First is to constantly remember that any of our careless statements, due to the escalation of conflictogens, can lead to conflict. Do you want it? If not, then remember how high the price is for a word that is not a sparrow. Second - show empathy for the interlocutor. Imagine how your words and actions will resonate in his soul. These are general provisions that are valid for any conflictogens. Below we will give additional recommendations for each type.

How to get rid of the desire for superiority? The outstanding Chinese thinker Lao Tzu taught: “Rivers and streams give their water to the seas, because they are lower than them. So a person, wishing to rise, must keep himself lower than others. Thus, all kinds of manifestations of superiority are a dead end path leading in the opposite direction from the goal - to rise above the other. For a person, being a source of conflictogens, causes a negative reaction of those around him who value a calm environment. The Buddha also said: "True victory is when no one feels defeated."

How to contain aggression? Aggression needs an outlet. However, splashing out in the form of a conflictogen, it returns as a boomerang of conflict. The great Tolstoy aptly remarked: "What is begun in anger ends in shame." But not to "let off steam" of aggressiveness is not harmless to health: hypertension, stomach and duodenal ulcers - these are diseases of restrained emotions. Wisdom says: "A stomach ulcer is not from what we eat, but from what eats us."

So, emotions require an outlet, and such a discharge is necessary for a person. But, as can be seen from the previous one, discharged on others is not an option, but a trick.

There are three ways to remove aggressiveness - passive, active and logical.

1. The passive way is to "cry" to someone, complain, speak out. The therapeutic effect of this is enormous. Women in this regard are in more favorable conditions: it so happened that a man should not complain, let alone cry. Tears, on the other hand, relieve internal stress, because enzymes, satellites of stress, are excreted with them.

To give relief is one of the most important functions of tears. Find someone who will listen to you with empathy and you will feel relieved. Among your loved ones there will always be such a person. Tell your spouse in the evening about the daily troubles - this will not only calm you down, such frankness strengthens mutual trust in the family.

2. Active methods. They are based on physical activity. They are based on the fact that adrenaline, as a companion of tension, “burns out” during physical work. Best of all is the one that is associated with the destruction of the whole, cutting it into pieces: digging the earth, working with an ax and saw, mowing. Of sports activities, those types that include strikes are the fastest to remove aggressiveness: boxing, tennis (big and table), football, volleyball, badminton. Even watching competitions will give an outlet for aggression. The fans experience the same emotions as the players: their muscles involuntarily contract, as if they themselves were fighting on the court. These emotions and physical activity "burn" excess adrenaline.

Very useful are the so-called cyclic exercises associated with the repetition of a huge number of times of elementary movements; leisurely running, brisk walking, swimming, cycling. Absorbing a significant amount of energy, these exercises effectively relieve nervous tension.

For example, no matter what the irritation before the start of the run, relief comes already at the 2-3rd kilometer, a simple thought comes: “Life is beautiful! Everything else is trifles." Hobbies such as “who will win whom” (hunting, fishing), reading and watching detective stories, horror films also remove aggressiveness well.

Most of the above recommendations are still easier to implement for men, they are more interesting to them. Especially for women, we can recommend additional aerobics (not professional sports, fraught with injuries, but any exercises to music) or just dance. If it’s completely unbearable - bang a plate, a cup on the floor - one of those that are not a pity. You will immediately feel great relief. (It is curious that in the West you can buy very cheap dishes specially designed for beating.)

The inability to get rid of the charge of aggressiveness is not only harmful, but also prevents you from fully living and working. To relieve irritation at work, the Japanese came up with the following original method. Mannequins depicting managers are placed in a special room - from the director to the foremen. Any employee can beat any representative of the administration, for this there is a set of sticks, whips. Such psychological relief improves the atmosphere in the team, increases productivity and quality of work.

3. The logical way to extinguish aggressiveness is acceptable mainly for purely rational people who prefer logic everything else. For such a person, the main thing is to get to the bottom of the phenomenon, it is more expensive for him to drive away unpleasant thoughts from himself. It is better for such a person to focus on troubles, and postpone all other matters until later, until a way out of the current situation is found. This analytical work itself is calming, as it takes a lot of energy. In addition, a person is engaged in the usual (and rather favorite) thing - thinking, and as a result, emotions are dulled.

Overcoming selfishness. Self-love - within reasonable limits - is inherent in any normal person. Everyone should take care of themselves so as not to become a burden to others. For example, to take care of one's health, future, well-being, etc. Even Aristotle noted: "Egoism does not consist in loving oneself, but in a greater degree of this love than it should."

In an egoist, self-love is hypertrophied, goals are achieved at the expense of other people. Usually, acting selfishly, a person pursues specific goals, the achievement of some benefits. However, at the same time, he loses much more - his good reputation. If an egoist analyzes his actions and surroundings, he will see that he is in a vacuum, he has no friends, that everything is much more difficult for him than for others, and as a result he ends up losing.

In conclusion, we note that "the most honorable victory is that which is gained over selfishness."

TYPES OF LIES There are four main types of lies - white lies, good lies, malicious lies and deceitful lies. As we have said, white lies are part of the social atmosphere. It helps us avoid the emotional pain and insults that are inevitable if