How to put an end to a relationship with a man? How to put an end to a relationship with a husband and divorce Why a man does not put an end to a relationship

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It happens that a loved one who has passed into the status of a former does not go away from life, no matter how hard you try. We collected several stories of unfinished relationships and asked the therapist to help our heroines put an end to the past.

Without obligations

At Katy With Igor it all started quite harmlessly - the mutual hormonal support of free, beautiful, young people not striving for a serious relationship. They honestly agreed: only sex. But very soon Katya realized that she wanted to be with Igor all the time so that they had something in common besides orgasms. She tried to take the relationship to another plane, but stumbled upon a complete unwillingness to change, and after another six months, he said that he had fallen in love and offered to leave.

Now she has a new novel. But thoughts about Igor are daily greetings from the past. Katya compares the young man with a former lover. And the last one wins everything. Feelings for Igor become stronger over time, and in proportion to this, dissatisfaction with real relationships grows.

Psychologist's comment

Gestalt therapist Katerina Shadrova explains: “For a man, sex is primarily a bodily pleasure, often not supported by serious feelings. A woman is almost always included in relationships emotionally and expects the same from a man. The absence of such a return can injure her for a long time and fix her attention on an object that did not provide emotional compensation. Igor became for Katya a kind of unattainable ideal, and therefore even more desirable. A girl should figure out what fantasies are concentrated in the image of a former lover - this is what she lacks in a real relationship with a new man. It is useful to remember some of Igor's shortcomings (and they could not be), as well as to give vent to anger about how he treated her. Perhaps then his bright face will fade considerably, and relations with his current partner will become more filled.

old friend

Asya and Nikita lived together for two years. We never fought, we did everything together. They were even somewhat similar in appearance - tall, athletic, cheerful. When the guys suddenly broke up, all the acquaintances were perplexed. “We were extremely interested in each other,” says Asya, “we could talk for hours, we have a lot of common topics. To be honest, I even enjoyed watching movies or riding bikes together much more than having sex. And when I realized that I was not living with a lover, but with a friend, I suggested that Nikita leave. We parted quite calmly, there were no scandals. And just a few months later, Asya fell in love. Since in the new relationship there were no less problems than joys, the girl needed consolation. She did not have a person closer in spirit than Nikita, so she dialed his phone number at least several times a week.

Psychologist's comment

“Often a partner is used as a “useful function” that one does not want to lose, even if the relationship is actually over. Nikita agrees to such “use”, as he receives a portion of attention and a sense of being needed in return, says Katerina Shadrova. - Asya could discuss the new novel with her friend, but understanding and acceptance on the part of a man, especially who knew her so closely, is much more pleasant. It is advisable to understand what such a relationship really gives her, because an ex-man can hardly become a best friend. To do this, it is enough to imagine that Nikita will marry sooner or later. How will Ash take it? What will she lose? Maybe you should think about this situation in advance and count on the support of friends and relatives?

Flew away and did not promise to return

At Oli and Dima everything was serious. They lived together for three years, got a cat and came up with names for future children. “Almost all my friends still say that Dima and I are made for each other. And once they even quarreled over who would be the bridesmaid at our wedding, ”says Olya. Dima left three times, but not for long, and always returned. He asked for forgiveness, confessed his love. It was not easy for the girl to make a decision every time, but she forgave. Six months ago, they finally broke up (according to Dima, who lives with another girl). Olya believes that this is another pause, after which a stormy reconciliation and wedding will follow. “Because of Dima, by the way, I quarreled with my best friend, because she advises to forget everything and start living again. I'm not going to do this, because I love him and I'm sure he will return. And I don’t get acquainted with men, I don’t cheat on Dima.

Psychologist's comment

“Dmitry lives with another. This suggests that the relationship with Olga is over for him, says psychologist Katerina Shadrova. - However, Olya is fixated on the former young man. Perhaps we are talking about emotional dependence of the masochistic type: after all, the girl experiences mostly negative feelings, and also does not enter into a relationship with a potentially suitable partner. Olya should consider how much time she is willing to spend waiting. Is Dima ready to wait a long time. Apparently, it is worth taking a step forward and stop denying reality. It is painful, but, having comprehended and experienced the former affection, Olga will get a chance to start another relationship on a new level.

From love to hate

Novel Faith With Anton turned out so beautiful and stormy - any filmmaker would have seized on such a plot. Every day is a holiday, not to mention enchanting nights. Vera was sure: "until death do us part" - and dreamily looked at the wedding dresses in the windows. But it turned out that Anton was clearly not aware of his girlfriend's long-term plans. When she directly asked about the date of the wedding, he said that he had not planned this for the next ten years. Vera slammed the door. She did not think about parting, but hoped: in a couple of days the young man would come with a bouquet and a ring. But Anton did not even call. It’s very difficult to communicate with Vera now - all conversations come down to the phrase “they are all the same, they use you and leave you.” Vera hates Anton so much that she can neither work nor rest. All thoughts are only about how to take revenge. And not a single candidate for potential suitors has yet made it to the second date.

Psychologist's comment

According to Katerina Shadrova, “often a woman bitterly mourns not only (and not so much) the little that was in a relationship, but also invented missed opportunities. Excessive idealization, characteristic of the beginning of the novel, is replaced by no less intense depreciation of the partner. Passionate love turns into intense hatred. Anton not only did not justify Vera's hopes, he destroyed the world of their happy future, created by her in the smallest details. Now she projects the image of Anton the traitor onto all men, not giving them even the slightest chance to prove that not "all men are goats." “Such a negative attitude towards men could not have appeared as a result of only one unsuccessful romance,” explains Katerina Shadrova. - Usually it's a matter of distrust of a man as a phenomenon as a whole. The origins of the problem must be sought in childhood experience. To get out of this situation, you need the help of a psychologist.

How to end a relationship?

Natalya Manukhina, psychologist, consultant of the portal "Psychological Navigator", head of the Center for Discovering New Opportunities (CSC) "Potential"

If memories of the past are emotionally saturated and, most importantly, completely occupy today's life, not allowing you to fully build new attachments, then we are talking about unfinished relationships. It usually takes about a year (sometimes less or more) to complete them - to live all the significant dates on your own, without a former partner. Of course, you can't completely forget about the past. But the whole point is how emotionally and tragically a person continues to remember him. Time heals, but only if we allow it to do so...

Letting go of a person who worried us or still cares is a very difficult step for each of us. Whoever it is, a significant other, a friend or a family member, we certainly do not want to harm them or ourselves.

However, there comes a time when letting go of someone is the best thing to do - even if that scenario hurts you. In the end, this is your life... and only you can make the final decision if this person belongs in it or not.

“The main art of life is the subtle ability to let go and keep people.” Havelock Harris

Here are 9 signs it's time to let go and move on.

1. A person constantly betrays you.

Trust is the most important thing in relationships, it is the foundation on which relationships are built. And the loss of trust often leads to the destruction of relationships. Nothing weakens a relationship more than a lie.

You need to understand that when you trust someone, and he constantly does not justify this trust, it is not yours, but his fault. Of course, it's only natural to immediately blame yourself for trusting someone who then broke that trust. But you shouldn't do it.

After all, only through direct experience can we determine whether a person is trustworthy or not. In any case, you will either learn a valuable life lesson or start a wonderful relationship.

2. A person constantly needs you

Good relationships can be called those in which you feel the need for someone, or vice versa. However, too much need is a sign of addiction. And this is really a problem, because such relationships will constantly take up your time and energy, including the time and energy needed to maintain relationships with other people and take care of yourself.

Dependent people will constantly turn to you - for entertainment, services, money or something else. You may begin to feel that the person has become emotionally dependent on you. If you have developed this kind of relationship with someone, then it may be time to review it and understand what is wrong here.

3. You begin to change yourself for the sake of another

You should not try to be a different person just for someone else. First of all, this is very tiring, and this is a sure sign that the relationship is clearly not developing by mutual consent. It means you are just not right for each other.
It does not matter whether your dissatisfaction is expressed in the form of a complaint or you yourself feel that you need to change in order to be accepted. The only important thing is that you feel uncomfortable and you can't be yourself. And this is clearly an abnormal situation that needs to be changed.

4. Communication with him does not bring positive emotions

Healthy relationships between people should usually cheer you up. Of course, people face some difficulties while doing this, but they mostly bring a constructive experience. You must accept the person with whom you communicate, support and be sensitive to each other.
If at the moment of your relationship positive arises only sporadically, then it may

be it time to move on. After all, relationships can reach such a stage that people will try to avoid each other in order to save them. It may seem paradoxical, but many people do this. “Maybe it will be better this way,” they think to themselves. Maybe, but it's very abnormal and has nothing to do with a healthy relationship.

5. They don't listen to you

Being attentive and interested in what you are talking about is a sign of a healthy relationship. For a person who values the relationship with you, your presence is a priority, including those moments when you are having a conversation.
Of course, some people lack concentration, but this is not a reason to constantly check your phone, look away, communicate with other people at the same time, and generally show indifference when you speak.

6. Relations with you are not a priority

Employment is part of our lives: work, children, marriage, finances, etc. Most of our day is scheduled to almost minutes. However, people who value their friend, other half of a relative, etc., will not allow employment to have a decisive influence on relationships.

It is clear that the time for gatherings is very limited. However, modern technology allows you to stay in touch with each other, even if you can not sit in a bar until 2 am and beyond.

If someone is not able to find some time for you to make a phone call, text or message on social networks, then this is a clear demonstration of indifference - which is not an indicator of a healthy relationship.

7. You can't rely on him

Have you ever had situations where one of your “friends” appeared when he needed something from you, and disappeared when you asked him to reciprocate? If you have been in such a situation, then you must remember that it caused just the same discouragingly unpleasant feeling.

People who cannot be relied upon resort to a large number of different excuses, for example, answering that they did not hear the call or texting that they are too busy or something else. But if actions of this kind are repeated with a steady sequence, as a rule, this means one thing: these people are not reliable. And such people are clearly not worthy of a relationship with you.

8. You have to force someone to take care of you.

Another fact about relationships: all people are free to love and care for someone...or not. Not all people for whom you have these feelings will be able to respond to you in the same way.
A real relationship consists of two people who have chosen to love and care for each other. It's very easy for someone to show up in your life and say they love you. It's much harder to prove your love for a long time.
Those who stay in your life and constantly demonstrate their sincere love and care are the type of people with whom it is most desirable to build a relationship.

9. A person who is inconsistent in his behavior

We are not talking about reliability here. We are talking about indecision, unpredictability and a general disregard for the principles on which a full-fledged relationship is based: trust, a positive attitude, attention, compassion, caring.

Ignoring any of these principles is a potential sign of a negative attitude. As already mentioned, only you can decide whether a person deserves to end the relationship with his behavior or not. People are not perfect. And every person has some flaws that we have to put up with, in fact. But if these shortcomings begin to drastically affect the relationship, that's a completely different story.

We recommend that you assess how healthy your relationship with each person is and ultimately make the best decision. We wish you many healthy and wonderful human relationships in the future.

If you feel that the relationship has become obsolete, but do not dare to put an end to it, this Passion.ru article will help you. A psychologist will tell you how to part with an ex-lover correctly.

Before you were walking along one road, now the road is divided and you are standing at a crossroads. Turn off your own path onto your partner's path or go further into loneliness? Making a decision is difficult, even harder to implement it. What if the relationship is at an impasse, but you just don’t dare to put an end to it?

It would seem so easy to end a relationship that has not brought joy for a long time, but for some reason most people do not do this.

Some invent various ways to avoid close communication with a partner, spending time at work, on business trips and with friends, others continue to drag out a miserable existence in an exhausted marriage, periodically entertaining themselves with intrigues on the side, others do everything to ensure that the partner leaves them. myself.

Why do people choose this path?

Is it necessary to save a marriage for the sake of children?

Oksana has been trying to leave her husband for the third year. He often drinks and does not sleep at home. Oksana knows for sure that he spends these nights with different women.

Sometimes there come moments when anger and despair overwhelm her, and then she packs her things and wants to start an independent life. But as soon as she thinks about what will happen next, all bold intentions end.

“What if I don’t find anyone and I’m left alone? What will I live on? - thinking about this, the girl always came to the conclusion that such a life is better than loneliness and uncertainty. “Now, if I meet a better man, then I’ll go to him!”

In any relationship, we always take risks. It is naive to think that there is some kind of ideal love that will last forever. But the truth is that people are together for as long as they can bring happiness to each other.

By remaining in an unhappy marriage, you deprive both yourself and your partner of the opportunity to meet people with whom you will be completely compatible and happy. By staying with an unsatisfying partner, you close the doors to a better life not only for yourself, but also for him.

Do not be afraid of loneliness, because you are already alone, because you live with an unloved partner, and with it a full emotional life is impossible.

Roman has long fallen out of love with the girl with whom he lived for five years. For three years out of those five, he thinks about how to leave, so as not to hurt her and not to suffer from guilt himself.

She is still waiting for him to propose to her, and he tries to be at home less often, because it is becoming increasingly difficult for him to communicate with her. Roman thinks that by parting with her, he will act meanly, because she loves him.

By all means, he tries to show that he is completely unworthy of her, in the hope that she herself will put an end to the relationship.

Roman thinks that he is very noble, only by doing this, he takes the best years of his life from himself and from his girlfriend. These years they could live happily with people who would truly appreciate them.

Everyone deserves to live life with a person who sincerely believes that there is no one better than you in the world. Give freedom to your partner and yourself so that you both become happy.

If you continue to live with a partner just because you do not want to offend him, this has nothing to do with love.

In fact, you are driven by cowardice and cowardice, which always lead to indecision. Show honesty and disinterestedness - give your partner freedom.

How to understand that you need to leave?

Reluctance to injure children

How many people continue to maintain the appearance of a family when the relationship between them, in fact, no longer exists, sincerely believing that they are doing this for the sake of the children! Do children need such sacrifices?

As psychological practice shows, you will cause much more harm to children if you remain in an unhappy marriage. Children want their parents to be happy and feel responsible for the troubles of mom and dad.

Children may not understand everything, but they very subtly feel the mood of their parents and catch any falsity in a relationship. As adults, they transfer into their lives everything they learned in their parental family.

If children see that their partner loves you, they will learn to love too. If the partner does not love you, the children will feel unhappy.

Even if you are still alone after divorce, but you feel not abandoned, but free from difficult relationships, the child will grow up happier than if the family is preserved in which the parents do not love each other.

Such children subsequently have healthy views on love and human relationships, because they saw from the example of their parents that happiness and love are not a fairy tale.

The most unhappy children are those who grew up in an outwardly prosperous family, but deeply unhappy inside, where parents carried the burden of the unspoken anger and mutual resentment.

Such children, growing up, have a distrust of love and are not able to openly show feelings. And the reason is that they have a negative example of their parents before their eyes. It is important for a child that the parents are happy. Together or separately, it doesn't matter. Therefore, one should not remain in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children.

Difficulty changing habits

The life of Natasha and Sasha has long become a routine. Husband avoids sex with her, they are nowhere together, and in general Natasha feels that he has stopped loving her.

But they have a well-established life, mutual friends and material wealth, which Natasha will lose if she leaves her husband. Sasha also does not want to change anything, everything suits him.

Indeed, in order to diversify a boring life, he has a mistress, friends and an interesting hobby. Why change everything, because there is no guarantee that when he marries his mistress, the relationship will not turn into a routine?

He likes how his wife cooks, how he maintains the house and satisfies his household needs. Let him be bored with her for a long time and she is less and less interested in him as a woman, but is this the main thing in marriage?

Chances are, there are areas where you and your partner are very compatible. You may have an ideal home, a common cause, good friendships, but at the same time one of you may not love the other. Or, for example, your characters are so incompatible that you constantly quarrel.

In that case, you can hope that things will someday change. You may also think that everyone lives like this. Neither one nor the other is true.

For a full and happy union, the unity of such components as compatibility, movement in the same direction, love and sexual chemistry is necessary.

If any of these components is missing, discontent and dissatisfaction grows in you. Continuing to maintain relationships because of the unwillingness to destroy the usual way of life, you deprive both yourself and your partner of the opportunity to create a truly happy relationship.

break up to be happy

Reasons for breaking up

Perhaps, thanks to this particular situation, you are faced with a difficult choice.

The relationship should end if:

1. You have realized that you are incompatible with your partner. If there is no compatibility, love alone will not be enough to overcome all problems. Only having found a new love, you will understand how right you were when you broke up with an incompatible partner.

Truly incompatible people very rarely marry, but if this does happen, the husband and wife fight each other for years, not knowing either peace or harmony. This does not mean that you need to endure each other and suffer all your life. It only means that you are not suitable for each other.

If your partner does not satisfy you, it means that you are not good enough for him either. Each of you deserves to live life with a person who sincerely believes that there is no one better than you in the world. Give freedom to your partner and yourself so that both of you become happy.

2. You realized that there is no sexual chemistry between you. If your relationship is not love, but a good friendship, it is better to give freedom to yourself and your partner. Otherwise, both of you deprive yourself of a fulfilling love life and risk at some point being in the role of someone who cheats, or someone who is being cheated on.

3. You and your partner are moving in different directions. There is a difference between living together and being alone. The direction in which love moves reflects the degree of your compatibility.

If your life aspirations and directions diverge, the love union will cease to be healthy and satisfying. As you age, you change, you have new interests. If the partner does not share them, you move away.

When partners develop in different directions or at different speeds, a marriage of love turns into a marriage of convenience - people live together because it is more convenient for them. You don't have to share all of each other's interests, but core values must overlap.

If you want to live a fulfilling life, you in no case can not ignore the changes associated with the development of your personality. If you are moving in different directions, then it is worth making an important decision.

4. Your partner has a fatal flaw from which he does not want to be cured. it alcoholism, drug addiction, pathological aggression, infidelity, etc. If the partner rejects the very existence of the problem and refuses to solve it, the only way out is separation.

5. The partner does not want to develop a relationship. This is the saddest reason for a breakup. For example, you dream of a family and a child, and he craves fun and free relationships. Or vice versa.

If a partner refuses to discuss the problems and disagreements that exist between you, does not want to seek professional help, then he is far from you and cannot love you the way you deserve it.

If he refuses to actively participate in the development and deepening of your relationship, then your union is doomed, and it is better to disperse sooner rather than later. Being faithful to a partner who does not want to develop a relationship, you miss out on happy chances in your personal life.

Staying in such a union, you put off life, constantly hoping that everything will change by itself. Unfortunately, sooner or later a moment will come when the deadline for fulfilling your desires will expire.

How to make a decision

Very often people do not want to change anything and try to compensate for their problems with novels on the side. In fact, the tangle gets even more tangled.

If you move away from problems to another partner, then you transfer all your old problems to the new union, which you will have to solve already in double size. Some hope that they will break up with a boring partner as soon as they find someone better.

But this is an illusion. To create a new full-fledged relationship, you must first end the old one. And for this you need to show determination.

Another way to get away from responsibility is a gradual separation. This is exactly what happened to Tanya. Misha behaved with her, as usual, did not talk about any problems, he just began to work very hard, sent her alone to rest.

At the same time, the girl planned to give birth to a child, and Mikhail himself was going to gradually and painlessly part with her. Delaying the decision, in the depths of his soul he hoped that Tanya herself would leave him.

Do not mislead your partner by trying to soften the blow. Do not cut into pieces, part immediately. Do not instill hope in your partner, respect the person next to you, and be honest with him.

If you are faced with a difficult choice, ask yourself a few questions:

2. Are you getting enough love from him?

3. Are you compatible, if so, how? If the question is difficult to answer, make a list of your compatibility and incompatibility.

4. In what directions are you and your partner developing? Do your core life goals and values overlap?

5. What happens if you break up? What won't happen?

6. What happens if you don't break up? What won't happen?

7. Together with your partner, discuss your relationship, the causes of conflicts and the future vision of your life. Make a decision together. In this case, you can remain friends, not enemies.

8. Seek professional help if you cannot handle the situation on your own.

It is very hard to realize that a relationship with a person whom you have loved for so long is coming to an end. Now you are at a crossroads, and one road has split in two. To turn off your own path onto the path of a partner means to change your own destiny and live someone else's, unnecessary life for you.

Remember that your path is the path to yourself. Only by walking on your own path will you meet your man.

Point in a relationship: how to put?

Parting with a loved one is never painless. You can not see each other, not hear each other, but the psychological dependence remains. We carefully store gifts and photographs, mentally talk with a loved one, scroll through the happy moments of past years.

Incomplete relationships are dangerous, so you have to put an end to them. But how to do it right? What do psychologists advise?

It happens that a loved one leaves suddenly and with a scandal. Sometimes we initiate the breakup, realizing that the feelings have passed, and the relationship has come to a standstill. But to do does not mean to forget, because it is impossible to erase the past from memory. Emotions remain, and in most cases these are emotions of incompleteness.

What's next? Telephone terror in a drunken stupor, fits of jealousy or offers to remain friends. At the end of a relationship, we underestimate the consequences, and their power is often destructive. The wound does not heal, it bleeds and hurts.

What is the danger of an unfinished relationship?

They say that it is impossible to build a new happy relationship until the door to the old life is tightly closed. We constantly want to return to the past, look through the keyhole. Therefore, we unwittingly compare the new candidate with a former lover. In this state, it is hardly possible to appreciate the dignity of a man who sympathizes with you.
Jealousy and self-flagellation take a lot of energy. The rest of it we spend on memories that cause pain. As a result, there is no strength left for work, friends, entertainment and other productive activities.
Incomplete relationships are fraught with attempts to enter the same river twice. You can try again or limit yourself to occasional sex with a former partner. What's next? New suffering, complexes, emptiness.
Former relationships destroy our future, because we project claims and grievances onto new relationships. As a result, both we and the loving person suffer.

The above reasons are enough to understand that in old relationships you need to put an end to it. Final and irrevocable, without understatement and the possibility of continuation. Only in this case, our past will not overshadow the present and future.

How to do it? First of all, perceive previous experience as work on mistakes. Analyze what went wrong in your relationship to avoid a recurrence.

How to end a relationship the right way?

Breaking up causes emotions similar to those that we experience after the death of a loved one. Our grief goes through several stages - only after that we are really ready to let go of past love.

1. First you need to throw out the negative accumulated inside, overcome the desire for revenge and other emotions that destroy us. Refrain from phone calls with reproaches and insults. It is better to take a voice recorder or a sheet of paper and say (write) everything you want to say. You can do this as often as needed.

2. Look at the former lover realistically - you will understand that he was not as bad as you think now. When you feel like starting all over again, remember all the worst things that overshadowed your relationship. Write down all the shortcomings on paper and reread them from time to time.

3. Get over the guilt complex, because both are to blame for the breakup.

4. Overpower yourself and do not contact your ex-lover. Yes, your desire to call or meet will be irresistible, but gather your willpower into a fist and overcome this weakness. Don't think about him, don't talk about him with mutual friends, don't visit his social media profiles. Six months later, you won't want to do it.

5. Visualize desire. Imagine that your partner is leaving, a heavy metal door slamming shut behind him. Repeat this exercise in the morning and evening when the pain is especially unbearable.

6. Allow yourself to suffer, but don't get depressed. You must realize that the past will not return. With the realization of this, longing and hopelessness will seize you, you will want to drown it out in a new frivolous relationship. Stop! Do not go into all serious, because it will be even more painful. Better scream and beat the dishes.

7. Take what happened for granted. Tantrums, pain and tears are replaced by joy and happiness, we return to our usual life and understand that the pain is no longer so acute. This is exactly the stage when you need to get rid of joint photos, gifts and other reminders of the past.

A successful point in a relationship for 2/3 depends on your efforts, the effectiveness of working with your inner "I". It is desirable that the separation takes place in a confidential and calm atmosphere, without threats, blackmail and screams.

If you initiate a breakup, be sure to state the reason. No need to "remain friends", on the contrary, any communication (even virtual) must be cut off abruptly.

Remember the main rule of a “good breakup” - do not let yourself be drawn into provocations and conflicts, in other words, do not react to offensive attacks in your direction. Think about the fact that it hurts him too, resentment speaks in him.

It is unlikely that recommendations will save you from the pain of a gap and subsequent torment. But ahead of you looms a new life and new emotions. Therefore, you must emerge victorious from this struggle. It depends on how happy the new relationship will be.

How to end a relationship?

The advice of psychologists will help to end relationships that have no future as painlessly as possible for both parties.

Relationships between people are always accompanied by feelings, whether it be love, addiction, affection, or even anger and hatred. Ending a hopeless relationship means getting rid of your feelings for your partner. And, as you know, it is almost impossible to do it overnight.

At the same time, the more levels affect relationships (emotional, bodily, verbal, visual, sensual), the more difficult it is to put an end to them. How to end a relationship that has no future? How to act so that the breakup is the most painless for you and your partner (if you care about his feelings, of course)? How to understand that a hopeless relationship is finally over? You can find answers to these questions in this article.

Be honest and decisive

A hindrance to a final break is often the thought of what it means for you.

But if you realize that you have become strangers to each other, and your paths diverge in the future, do not put off parting. This is not the time to think, for example, that after a breakup you will lose your financial allowance, or that you yourself will have to solve everyday problems that your partner used to deal with. Try to honestly answer the questions why your relationship does not add up, why you are not suitable for each other. It may take you a few days to sort out your emotions and feelings.

You need to talk honestly about this with your partner - warn him in advance about a serious conversation. Find a suitable place for this, where you will not be disturbed by strangers. In any case, talk in person, and do not use the Internet or phone for this.

It is worth thinking over your conversation before the meeting to avoid unnecessary words and speak persuasively.

By the way, if you honestly analyze the pros and cons of your relationship, it will help you avoid the same mistakes in the future and build harmonious relationships with new people.

Train your willpower

Often, after such a meeting, one or both partners (already former) are tempted to say something else - not in person, but using the phone or the Internet. But if you have clearly decided for yourself that your relationship is over, have the willpower not to call, not to write messages, not to answer calls, letters and SMS. Understand that this will only delay the beginning of a new page in your life, and don't let the dot turn into a comma.

If you cannot boast of willpower, it is better to go to a place where the means of communication with your yesterday's partner will not be available. Or at least change your phone number.

Allow yourself to express your emotions

You should not keep the negative from the outgoing relationship in yourself, otherwise it is fraught with depression. There are always relatives or friends next to whom you can mourn. The people you trust will help you get through this difficult time in your life.

By the way, these same close people will be able to stop you in time if you want to call or write to the person with whom you really decided to part.

Don't promise to be friends

If we are talking about breaking up a relationship in a couple that was once in love, often one of the partners offers to “remain friends”. According to psychologists, you should not do this if you have firmly decided to end the relationship with this person.

In fact, by continuing to communicate, you are unwittingly giving your stalled relationship a fruitless chance to continue. After all, you will see each other, albeit in a new capacity. This will keep your mind and heart from forgetting the emotions associated with the time you were together.

On the other hand, if yesterday's lovers really want to be friends and see common ground in life, it is necessary to give each other time to get over the breakup, to let go of old feelings. So, for some period, you will have to stop contacts. How much? It depends on the specific situation and the time during which they were a couple.

Tune in to new feelings

As mentioned above, relationships are a complex of feelings. A good way to quickly get rid of old feelings is to let them go and replace them with new ones. Remember that by finally closing the unsuccessful page of your life, you can fill the blank slate with new feelings and relationships.

However, there is no need to rush things. Be prepared for the fact that the breakup is accompanied by negative emotions. Do not force yourself during this period to always be in a great mood. Just gradually find new interests in life.

When there is a feeling that there is no feeling of guilt, longing, anger or resentment towards the former partner, when there is no surge of energy after communicating with a partner, then we can say that an end has been put in your relationship.

Unfinished relationship: how to put an end to

It happens that a loved one who has passed into the status of a former does not go away from life, no matter how hard you try.

Incredibly close: cute and candid pictures about living together with a man

You are not a lumberjack: why lambersexual men are unbearable

Flew away and did not promise to return

At Oli and Dima everything was serious. They lived together for three years, got a cat and came up with names for future children. “Almost all my friends still say that Dima and I are made for each other. And once they even quarreled over who would be the bridesmaid at our wedding, ”says Olya. Dima left three times, but not for long, and always returned. He asked for forgiveness, confessed his love. It was not easy for the girl to make a decision every time, but she forgave. Six months ago, they broke up completely (according to Dima, who lives with another girl). Olya believes that this is another pause, after which a stormy reconciliation and wedding will follow. “Because of Dima, by the way, I quarreled with my best friend, because she advises to forget everything and start living again. I'm not going to do this, because I love him and I'm sure he will return. And I don’t get acquainted with men, I don’t cheat on Dima.

Novel Faith With Anton turned out so beautiful and stormy - any filmmaker would have seized on such a plot. Every day is a holiday, not to mention enchanting nights. Vera was sure: "until death do us part" - and dreamily looked at the wedding dresses in the windows. But it turned out that Anton was clearly not aware of his girlfriend's long-term plans. When she directly asked about the date of the wedding, he said that he had not planned this for the next ten years. Vera slammed the door. She did not think about parting, but hoped: in a couple of days the young man would come with a bouquet and a ring. But Anton did not even call. It is very difficult to communicate with Vera now - all conversations come down to the phrase "they are all the same, they use you and leave you." Vera hates Anton so much that she can neither work nor rest. All thoughts are only about how to take revenge. And not a single candidate for potential suitors has yet made it to the second date.

Natalya Manukhina, psychologist, consultant of the portal "Psychological Navigator", head of the Center for Discovering New Opportunities (CSC) "Potential"

In order not to step on the same rake in the future, you should reconsider your usual behavior, role in relationships. When habits remain, life exposes us to a "rake", thus demanding to part with the past, to recognize the present in order to create new selves for the future. It is often difficult to do it yourself. The past holds strong, and in order to rely on it (instead of sinking into a viscous swamp), we need people who will help us look at this situation and at ourselves from the outside. However, the choice - to change or not to change, how and in what exactly - remains with us.

Books on how to build healthy relationships

John Gray "Mars and Venus Start Over"

How to love again after a breakup or loss of a loved one.

Natalya Manukhina "Codependency through the eyes of a systemic therapist"

About the families of alcoholics, gamers and other addicts.

The book is about the fact that love is not a sentimental feeling, but a serious work.

I want to end the relationship

Hello. My name is Lydia. I don't know how to end the relationship, put an end to it. At the end of May 2017, my husband left me for another woman. More precisely, he lived with his mother and met with her. Didn't file for divorce. I filed for child support. When he found out, he got mad and raised his hand to me. Constantly insulting and humiliating. At the moment of a truce, it inclines towards intimacy. Since I still had hope that he would return to me, I agreed. The truce ends and again mats, insults and beats. She filed for divorce in September and he agreed. In December, my youngest son and I went to the hospital for an operation. The ex-husband came to us, helped. On the day of discharge, he offered to get back together. I did not expect and asked for time to think. He did not give, he took it by force. Agreed. I had enough for 3 weeks. During this time, he corresponded with me

with the girls in the NW, behaved like a free man

Separated again. And again mats, swearing, insults. And so in a circle - intimacy, abuse, insults. I'm tired of this. With a girlfriend, to whom he left, he communicates. Now he lives with us in the same apartment (shared), there is no way to leave. How can I put an end to these relationships, get out of addiction? How to behave with him, not be led by his manipulations? Help me please. Thanks in advance.

Lydia, Russia, 31 years old

It’s good that you already understand that the attitude of your ex-husband towards you is precisely manipulation. You understand this with your head, but with your feelings you still hope for something else. Now it remains to bring the feelings in line with this understanding. When he offers to return, you are hoping for love on his part, and therefore you are “fought”. Just realize that this hope is false - your husband has already proven it. Even if you believe that he is able to change and give you what you want, you still cannot return before he proves it. And for you, for now, the illusory hope for love and happiness is more important than reality. It is advisable for you to work with a psychologist individually in order to discover in yourself the resource of love and self-sufficiency. Then you don’t have to depend on a man so much, moreover, an opportunity will open up to find such a man, with whom relations will turn out to be really harmonious. Or this one will change - this also happens.

Sincerely, Oksana Alberti.

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How to deal with a guy?

Good afternoon, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, I waited for him from the army, everything is fine. He works every day, I go to him →

How do you know when it's time to put an end to a relationship?

Sometimes our relationship lasts much longer than love or sympathy itself. Often we are kept “just in case”, and we turn a blind eye to obvious disrespect and try in every possible way to save feelings.

Ask yourself the question: is it necessary? Do not be afraid to be alone, because while you are trying to glue a broken cup, maybe somewhere around the corner a beautiful, shiny and such a caring "samovar" is waiting for you? We open our eyes, we read about the signs that the relationship has already dried up and we are the first to put an end to it with dignity!

1. You see each other less and less - he is constantly busy, exhausted, sick or has no money. But you would know how his fatigue and employment in the company of friends disappears! He's just not interested in you anymore. Judge for yourself: when you like a person, you try by any means to find a reason to meet, even for 5 minutes - you are still sick or do not feel your legs.

2. He often makes fun of you and humiliates you. If, after another ridicule or remark, he says: “I was joking. Don't you understand jokes?" - but at the same time deeply hurts your feelings, talents or other qualities - run. You will never offend a loved one, because you want to say only good things about him, especially since lovers always idealize their object of adoration. Otherwise, you are his friend or partner, but not his beloved at all - he doesn’t care what you feel after such a “joke”.

3. You communicate only when you meet. He does not call you, does not write SMS, does not respond to your actions on social networks. Conclusion - he is not interested in how you live, what you like, he is not interested in you!

4. He constantly talks about his ex. You serve him as a consolation, and do not hope that he will forget her. Two options are possible here - either he will return to her, or he will meet another who will excite his heart. If he didn’t see this in you, then until the last moment you will remain only a nice, good girl who understands him.

5. Your relationship requires too much effort. You are constantly waiting for a meeting, a call, carefully think through all the nuances of the upcoming date, and he cancels it. Write long SMS, and he answers with a couple of words. Don't cling to his meager actions, he's not worth it.

6. He only talks about himself. He can call you in the middle of the night and talk about the meaning of life, or dial a number while passing the time in a traffic jam or just ask for advice. But at the same time, his sentences always begin with the pronoun "I". He is an egoist, he does not care what happened to you, what you are doing and what mood you are in. It is important for him to be heard. He talks about the wonderful weather and his great mood, but in the end you go for a walk in the sun with a friend.

7. He doesn't pay for you. It doesn’t matter if he has material opportunities or not - but if he doesn’t even pay for your coffee, this means not only that he doesn’t care about you, but that he doesn’t care what you think of him.

8. You think more and more about breaking up. If more than once a month you mentally calculate the pros and cons of your connection, your relationship has come to an end. Do not console yourself and do not try to find excuses for his actions - nothing good will come of it.

9. All its pluses are just a part of the past. If you try to find his good qualities, you say: he is so caring, but in fact the last time he gave you a hand or opened the door was only a month ago - you live in the past, at the beginning of your relationship. Abstract and think, what good has he done in recent days?

10. He constantly complains about everyone. If in his conversations there is often criticism and criticism of friends, bosses, relatives, be sure that he tells them the same thing about you. The evil loser blames everything and everyone around him. And don’t even think about continuing to tell him, “Darling, I understand everything,” you will not become better in his eyes.

11. You have a virtual romance. He writes you love letters and says he can't live without you, but. he's out of town right now, his dog got sick or he's at work, so you still won't meet. Delete everything that can be connected with him, stop communicating with him - he can be married or a fat man, or a teenager with acne, or, quite possibly, an impotent or a pervert.

12. He is constantly unhappy with you. You don't dress like that, you don't cook like that, you don't look like that. You just do not match his ideal, and he is trying to mold you again. Are you ready to completely sacrifice your Self?

13. Everything about him annoys you. If during live communication you are annoyed by how he eats, walks, dresses, etc. - Your feelings for him have dried up. Do not refer to PMS or fatigue - next to your loved one, you should rest both physically and mentally.

14. He constantly demands something from you. Taking a child to their grandmother, giving away a dog, changing their hairstyle, repainting the walls - all these whims are not the only ones. Even if you change your color to green, he will still constantly tyrannize you.

15. You understand that he does not love you, but, after reading all this, you still remain with him - you have a penchant for self-torture and you are a kind of masochist. The only thing left is to go to a psychiatrist.

How to finally break up and put an end to the relationship? Psychologist's advice

At the consultation: “I can’t do this anymore. Nothing good comes of it and nothing will come of it. I feel depressed, somehow smeared. I see that there is no sincerity, there is a lie around. I want to end this nightmare. I say everything! And then in the evening it “covers” me. And all over again.”

Why can't I leave?

Let's first discuss why you can't end the relationship once and for all. These reasons, of course, are different for everyone. Try to find your option among those listed by me.

Yes, it's not great right now. But relatively predictable. While the future seems to be just a gray stream of despondency, where there will not even be a piece of joy. Where is the guarantee that the future will be at least the same as now?

I want to ask, explain, understand, express. As long as you want, the relationship will not end. Rather, the opposite is true.

It seems that the brain understands that nothing good is happening. But one has only to touch each other - and that's it, the brain seems to be gone.

How can you deprive yourself of a fan with your own hands? Who speaks beautiful words, maybe even idolizes?

Of course, I want to believe in the fulfillment of all desires. What if we get married anyway? And we will live happily ever after?

Nobody wants to be the cause of someone's suffering. I parting is always suffering.

Let's say you were able to understand why you are constantly "pulled" back. But how does this manifest itself in your behavior?

The classic version is when “farewell” letters are written one after another. Which does not interfere with the relationship to go on and on.

But you really want to stop everything! And write sincere letters. Say goodbye to them! And believe that this time - for sure EVERYTHING!

Or, if you break up in person. You seem to be speaking clearly. But for sure you always leave a “loophole”. Here are examples of loopholes.

Insert a lot of conditions. "If you're ready, let's say goodbye!"
Shift the responsibility to your partner. "I want you to make this decision in an adult way, we must part"
You ask a lot of questions: “Why did you do that? Why do you need me? Explain. »
Directly imply: “I hope you get through this. You know I don't want to hurt you. If it gets really bad, give me a call."
Arrange "farewell hugs": "Let's hug one last time."

Think back to your breakups. What did you make of it?

Look again at the list above. Did you find your mistakes? Don't repeat them again! Otherwise, you will go round and round around your happiness.

You know what not to do. But how should it? The following is a step by step action plan. These steps may take time. May be accompanied by pain and despair. But they will lead you to a new life. Remember that everything that happens to you is not “for what?”, But “for what?”. So that you become wiser, more experienced, closer to happiness.

If there is a psychologist next to you at this time, at least you will not go “to a new circle”. As a maximum, end the relationship in such a way as to avoid pain both for yourself and for your partner.

Step 1. Appoint break point relations. specific date. Maybe even time. Avoid vague formulations, for example - such: "when health is better", "when the kids grow up." Clearly the date.

Step 2 Appoint breaking way relations. It could be a letter (check it for loopholes). Or a conversation (without "farewell hugs" and showdown). Or just in English. It is important that the relationship ends in your head.

Step 3 Consider the necessary and sufficient explanations and parting words. We look at section 2 again. You can’t delay the farewell: the longer, the harder it is for both.

Step 4 Get ready for an "explosion" of pain immediately after the break. After all, you are preparing in advance for dressings at the doctor's or for any other procedure. So here too. It will hurt. You will survive it. In the name of good. Get ready to experience grief: get to know its stages and what makes it easier.

Step 5. Open up to something new. Be receptive and responsive to suggestions, news, communication. Keep yourself occupied with anything, but not with “mental chewing gum” - “why did I do this?”. I repeat once again - not “for what?”, But “for what?”

It's very hard. It doesn't matter who you are breaking up with, with your husband, fiancé or lover. What matters is that you survive it. And then it will be better. Necessarily!

Surely it’s not a secret for you that relationships in a couple go through certain stages throughout their lives, and crises, when it seems to you that “this time for sure” everything is over, are an integral part of them. However, it is not so easy to take a sober look at the situation and understand whether this is really the end. Experts identify a number of signs, by the presence of which one can judge whether it is time to put an end to it irrevocably. After all, we all strive for happiness, and being happy in inferior relationships is overwork.

Experience, son of difficult mistakes

It often happens that a woman makes a decision to end a relationship, misinterpreting some of the circumstances of the couple's life, taking them as clear evidence that the man does not have an ardent feeling for her, and regarding some things as harbingers that it is time to put an end to it. . Here are just the most common misconceptions:

“He doesn’t want children, which means he doesn’t love me. Why do I need such a relationship?

The unwillingness of a partner to have children can be a critical circumstance for a woman, but it is by no means such for a couple in which relationships are based on the principles of mutuality and freedom of choice. If you agreed on all the nuances of your life while still “on the shore”, and the agreements are respected, a man’s refusal to have a child is not evidence of his dislike for you and will not be the beginning of the end for your family. Another thing is if you were not completely honest with yourself, agreeing with his vision of your relationship, or expected to somehow sort out the situation over time. In this case, in the shortest possible time, family discord will gain momentum and significantly aggravate the situation, and then, indeed, the “end” is not far off.

“My husband spends a lot of time at work, we hardly see each other. I think our relationship is over."

Let's put aside the arguments that, while working, a man tries for the good of the family. This is certainly true, but only in part. Along with the fact that he does this for you (and the children, if any), he does this for himself first and foremost. A man needs self-realization like air, to a much greater extent than a woman. If she can fully realize herself at home, maintaining the home in beauty and comfort, in the kitchen, doing needlework or children, then men need a sense of struggle and fight, the constant achievement of new heights, victory and self-assertion. Each man has his own degree of need for this - this must be learned by every representative of the fair sex. Of course, these truly masculine traits can also be eradicated, because we, women, in general, can achieve any goal we set. But is it necessary? Do you want to make a pathetic loser out of a man with potential? Then go ahead!

“Relationships with a loved one have finally come to a standstill. Behind us are insults, quarrels, and the gap between us is only growing. A friend advises to see a family psychologist. But how can a stranger understand our life better than ourselves? I think it's time to put an end to it."

The assumption that family therapy is completely useless is fundamentally wrong. Many couples have been saved and brought to a new, higher level of relationship only through conversations with specialists in this field. Men are especially guilty of such prejudices. If you find yourself in a situation where it seems that you have already done everything to save the couple, break your distrust and visit a psychologist. Partner refuses a joint visit? Start with yourself - this may be quite enough to get on the path of "healing". Perhaps your chosen one will eventually be drawn into the process. Why does it work? A specialist can evaluate your relationship not through the prism of resentment, mutual claims and misunderstandings, but completely impartially, gently and correctly give the right course to your thoughts and actions and lead to a correct understanding of the situation without exerting pressure.

Unfortunately, the understanding that the unwillingness to have children, to save your relationship and the male thirst for self-realization (taking the most incredible forms) does not signal dislike for you and the intention to nullify your union, comes to us, women, far from immediately. Some fail to make these crucial discoveries throughout their lives. No wonder they say - live a century, learn a century.

7 signs of "unhappiness"

Not all the circumstances of your life together with a man, taken as very sad, are clear harbingers of your imminent "end". Still, do not forget that you should always keep your finger on the pulse, and there are things that it is highly not recommended to turn a blind eye to. Below are 7 reasons to think about the expediency of your relationship.

The man has a pronounced alcohol addiction

Statistics, of course, has examples when people coped with alcohol addiction. But to say that cases of victories over this disease (and this phenomenon cannot be called otherwise) are rare - to say nothing. If such a disease has already tragically entered family life, it is at least naive to count on the fact that your chosen one will be the only lucky one out of five hundred who were defeated in a difficult struggle.

man cheating

Here, of course, we are talking about systematic betrayals, the presence of a constant mistress or living in two families. The last option poses the greatest danger to you, your children and future generations - in terms of energy as well. Would you like a similar fate for your children?

Now we do not take into account one single affair that took place almost at the time when dinosaurs walked the Earth, but which still haunts you for many years. Just forget! And most importantly - forgive the man and let go of resentment.

The man rejects you

At the same time, his rejection of you can be expressed in different ways: the lack of sex, joint leisure, unwillingness to open up to you and make contact in every possible way. If this is not a reason to immediately break off relations, at least it is worth asking a number of questions that will help you better understand the origins of the current state of affairs. Have you been a good woman for your man (and this is not about ironing shirts and cooking)? Did they give freedom of action and thoughts, which is priceless for any member of the stronger sex? What was your relationship with his family, hobbies and friends like? Have you been looking for all sorts of more or less appropriate excuses for your unacceptable behavior? Your partner’s rejection of you can be either a kind of “going into hiding” until better times, or an implicit demonstration that his feelings are cooling down and the time for deplorable changes is approaching. The only way to figure this out is to talk to the man frankly. If the conversation does not stick, a conversation with a psychologist will help - he will make it clear whether you are “winning” or “losing” in this relationship, and will lead you to the right decision.

Assault is detrimental to the woman herself, the psyche of children, the climate in the family and the health of all its members.

man beats

Comments are superfluous. This is one of the most undesirable options for developing relationships with the opposite sex. Assault is detrimental to the woman herself, the psyche of children, the climate in the family and the health of all its members - hatred for the offender will poison their entire being and can give rise to serious diseases.

It is often common for women to justify their chosen ones, consoling themselves with the thought that the manifestation of physical force took place for the last time or that earlier it could hardly be convicted of cruelty. Unfortunately, the first blow is almost never the only one, and the anomalous inclinations that manifested themselves somewhat differently before the fateful day, but nevertheless took place, it was easier for you not to notice, convincing yourself that this has nothing to do with you. relations. It's sad, it hurts, but I have to admit it all.

The man is irresponsible

He not only does not keep his promises, spreads his socks around the apartment and does not get up at the first wake-up call in the morning - we are talking about irresponsibility in a global sense: when a man does not want to take and does not take responsibility for his family. Are you the only one who “plows” like a horse in an attempt to feed yourself, him and the children? Does your man not linger in any place of work, for the most part only “tormenting” in search of her? Does he earn little? Spends the proceeds on personal needs? Or do they all go to the financial support of the next of kin? This is a serious reason to think about whether it would not be easier for you to live alone instead of pulling a heavy burden for two. On the other hand, this is a signal to analyze your own behavior - are you feminine enough so that the man next to you can fully reveal himself from the point of view of his masculine essence.

Time spent together is “poor quality”

What quality is meant? It is clear that in the conditions of modern realities, men and women who love each other do not have the opportunity to spend days on end, lying on the couch watching romantic films and indulging in love pleasures uncontrollably. We build a career, go on business trips, get stuck in traffic jams, go in for fitness, have a favorite hobby and many other interests - a big city makes high demands on its residents. With such a life, it is no longer important how much time you spend with a partner, but how “quality”. Let's give an example: when a guy and a girl are sitting at a table in a restaurant, and their communication is reduced only to who and what will eat and drink - this is already poor-quality communication. Do you share your impressions of the day with your partner? Dreaming? Are you making plans for the future? Discussing your relationships, hobbies and interests? Does he know about your experiences and successes? Believe me, half an hour of joyful and intense communication, when the interlocutors are truly interested in each other, is many times qualitatively superior to many hours of “conversation” if its participants are not interested in anything more than their high-tech gadgets.

If there is nothing to talk about, joint leisure is uninteresting and you do not feel a special need for each other - perhaps love has long since passed?

The man is not loved

Sometimes it is not so much difficult to tell another person that you no longer love him, but to admit it to yourself. If this is your case and somewhere in the depths of your soul there is a feeling that one way or another there will come a moment when dislike will “aggravate” and you will no longer be able to deceive your partner, think about what is holding you back from a decisive confession? Fear of loneliness? Age? Having children? Unwillingness to "grind" with a new chosen one? Perhaps you are afraid of condemnation of relatives or society?

You should not console yourself with the arguments that the vast majority live this way, passion has transformed into respect and care and nothing more, and the time for “bed” fun has long sunk into oblivion, because you have been together for a good fifteen years. Running from unwillingness to be together will eventually result in a series of completely unnecessary "sores", and for all participants in the events. This point is closely related to the previous one, so if there is nothing to talk about and in general you live like a brother and sister, united only by pure platonic love, it's time to take the path of parting.

We are by no means encouraging you to take desperate steps in an attempt to get rid of unwanted relationships overnight. It should always be remembered that relationships within a couple are purely individual and specific. Of course, there are things that put up with which is detrimental to everyone, regardless of the surrounding circumstances. However, you should not overestimate your own insight and be sure that you know exactly what your relationship should be. Just be vigilant and pay attention to whether your relationship has alarming "calls", some of which, only after careful consideration (together with a specialist, if the situation requires it), may indicate that it is time to send your "family ship" to his last journey.