I accept you the way you are. How to improve your relationship How to improve your relationship with your husband

Marriage is not easy at all. This will be confirmed by all people who are married, as well as those who have ever been in it. Sooner or later, the spouses begin to accumulate mutual grievances and claims. They begin to grumble, complain, grumble too often, and sometimes even ignore and despise each other. To one, and possibly both spouses, thoughts come to mind that without this partner in life, he / she would live much better.

However, if you are determined to save your marriage (whether for whatever reason: children, material considerations, memories of a happy past, or perhaps you are just too lazy and afraid of change), then there is good news for you. It consists in the fact that the quality can be significantly improved by taking into account the following:

1. Make a decision for yourself

You cannot change your partner. You cannot force him to behave differently. You will only have to work on yourself. This sad truth is often forgotten. You and only you must decide for yourself once and for all that you choose to remain married to this person (if you choose to do so, of course). From now on, you should keep negative thoughts about him/her away from yourself, not complain about him/her, and not allow others, such as your mother, to criticize him/her.

2. Look for behaviors

You will say: "But how can you not whine and grumble, you just don't know my husband!". I willingly believe. Sometimes it is extremely difficult to resist reproaches. Nevertheless, as G.K. Chesterton said, "It is easy to be a heavy person, it is hard to be light."

Remember your decision to stay married to this person and every time something happens that you do not like, do not react automatically (in the way you used to). Take a deep breath and look for possible solutions.

Example: your husband forgets to pay for electricity for the fifth time (and in your family you agreed that this is his responsibility). Instead of grumbling: “You forgot to pay again! You can’t be entrusted with anything,” look for options.

You can:

1. give your husband a receipt in the morning when he leaves home for work, and additionally call him a couple of times during the day so that he does not forget.
2. grit your teeth, go pay yourself
3. pretend that you forgot about paying electricity. Let your husband deal with the consequences when the power goes out to you.

The option of "paying the bill yourself" is possible, but, of course, you cannot always take on other people's obligations. This option can only be used when performing the smallest and most insignificant assignments.

3. Show care every day

Men! Going to a cafe once on Valentine's Day or giving a bouquet of flowers on March 8 once a year is not enough to show your friend that you love her. If your wife tells you: “You don’t love me and don’t appreciate me,” then it’s useless to answer her: “Yes, I, yes I, I took you to such a cool restaurant on February 14.” Once a year is not considered and is not valued.

There is a rule: "What you do every day is much more important than what you do sometimes." Small acts of caring every day will make your relationship much stronger than some grandiose acts of love, but once a year.

Women generally do not have this problem. They already take care of their husband every day: they cook, wash, iron, and clean. Another thing is that men generally do not appreciate this work and take these manifestations of care for granted. Therefore, women will have to do something beyond what they usually do to strengthen relationships. For example, sometimes give your husband a light massage or bring him dinner on a tray so that he can eat it without looking up from a football match. If you usually do this, then come up with your own, original ways of caring.

“To live life is not to cross the field” - this saying perfectly reveals the essence of married life. Stressful situations of everyday life, domestic troubles, conflicts and quarrels - all this is an integral part of family life that affects the relationship between spouses. As a result, sometimes relationships become simply impossible, and a marriage, once happy and cloudless, suddenly begins to crumble. How to avoid such a situation? How to improve relations between spouses? Below are some tips on how to do this.

Relationship building is often a difficult task that must be tackled in order to save a marriage. A crisis in a relationship can occur at any time and in any couple. So that relationships do not stand still, do not collapse, they must be maintained all the time. You need to constantly work on them and on yourself. Before building relationships, it is necessary to identify the cause of quarrels and conflicts, after which it will become clear how to build them.

It is necessary for any married couple to remember that any quarrel or conflict should end in a quick reconciliation. First of all, you need to understand what does not suit you in this relationship. What would you like to change? What exactly is your spouse doing wrong? This issue must be approached with all seriousness. You must be prepared for the fact that your attitude and behavior may not suit your other half.

Love and respect should be a priority in a relationship between spouses. “Treat people the way you would like them to treat you” - this principle should also be present in family relationships. Tune in to positive communication. Create around you an atmosphere of trust, mutual respect, where you and your spouse will feel very comfortable. In such conditions, if quarrels and conflicts arise, then you will quickly find a way out of this situation, mutually realizing your mistakes.

Try to listen and hear your spouse. Do not allow any understatement in relations with your spouse, do not leave resentment for tomorrow. Do not allow the termination of communication between you, as this is a sign of the end of married life. It is necessary to look for the essence and cause of the problem now, immediately, and if it is insignificant, there is no need to waste time in vain, devote it better to each other. If the cause is serious, then you need to act immediately. Try to understand what you want from this conflict or quarrel, what concessions and sacrifices you are ready to make for the sake of reconciliation, and what the conflict should teach you both.

Always ask your spouse about his problems, be interested in his affairs, worry about his health. Be sure to take a break from each other. Every person has moments when he wants to be alone or with friends. In such cases, it is important to understand the spouses, and not stupid insults.

To prevent a quarrel that could escalate into a conflict, try to avoid topics of conversation on which your opinions are very different, and discuss topics that both of you bring positive emotions. In a quarrel with your spouse, try never to say anything hastily. Anger will not solve the problem. Do not touch on the topic of parents or friends in quarrels, “do not hit him” in a weak spot, which he confidentially told you about. For him, this may be a betrayal on your part. Never give ultimatums to your other half, as in most cases this only aggravates relations, the opposite effect works. Do not use offensive phrases in quarrels, as you can get the same in response.

To improve relations, it is necessary to make compromises, give in to your husband in some way, and he, in turn, can give in to you. Be sure to find free time to devote it only to each other. Always remember the past years of a happy and carefree life together. Bring more variety into your daily life, introduce new family traditions, surprise each other.

Relationship building cannot exist without the ability to forgive each other. Learn to forgive, give each other chances to correct mistakes. After all, in the end, in family conflicts, there are usually two perpetrators.

For a long and happy marriage, learn to laugh. Constant stress, worries, problems make people withdrawn and aggressive, and healthy laughter can overcome any problem. Laugh together, communicate with each other with humor and then everything will become easier.

The most important advice in establishing family relationships is the first step towards reconciliation. Don't be afraid to do it first. After all, the result is worth it.

To live life is not a field to cross. How right is folk wisdom, especially when it comes to family life. You can sincerely rejoice for those spouses whose relationship remains wonderful and trusting for many years. But what if they deteriorated, and quarrels, scandals, misunderstandings settled in the house?

Psychologists advise to adhere to the simplest rules. There are 10 of them in total - and they will help to significantly improve relations between spouses and even make them almost perfect.

1. Respect for each other

What does it mean to be respectful? It is to accept the opinion and position of the second half. Even in moments of strong irritation or anger, do not stoop to derogatory words, let alone insults. A raised voice is not respect, but a calm, confidential conversation - yes.

2. Be grateful and considerate

Tell me, is it difficult to thank your wife for a hot breakfast, and your husband for driving a nail? It seems to be a trifle, but it is extremely important in improving relationships. Try to give thanks in everything and always, even for mere trifles. It is recommended to reward any actions and undertakings of a partner with a couple of words of praise and warm statements.

3. Make concessions

Giving in should not be seen as a sign of weakness. On the contrary, the one who is inferior in a relationship looks strong and noble in the eyes of the other half. To return mutual understanding to the family, you will have to give up some moments in behavior or old habits.

4. Do not skimp on the manifestations of feelings

Affectionate touches, gentle hugs and even fleeting kisses, and even more so verbal expressions of feelings - all this cements a good relationship stronger and stronger every day. If they give a crack, do not squeeze, but generously endow your husband or wife with warmth and affection. The intimate life of the spouses is of the utmost importance: there is no need to refuse intimacy because of resentment. After all, sex, as you know, brings a couple together, but its absence separates.

5. Respect his (her) parents

No one forces you to wash your mother-in-law's feet, and call your mother-in-law every other day for pancakes with caviar. But speaking negatively about the parents of your soul mate is unacceptable and can ruin even the most ideal relationship.

6. Family secrets

No wonder they say: do not take dirty linen out of the family. The psychology of a great husband-wife relationship involves keeping your life intimate. There is no need to spread right and left both about the misses and about the achievements of the spouse. This is especially true of what happens between two people in the bedroom.

7. Forgiveness is power

Keeping grudges in your soul, you will never get close. You can forgive a loved one absolutely everything, learn how to do it.

8. Children in the family and attitude towards them

When offspring appear in the family, a woman often moves away from a man, forgetting about him and paying attention only to children. You don't have to make this mistake. Relations between all family members should be equal. Also, do not single out one child more than another. Learn to give love and happiness to everyone equally.

9. Time for socializing in private

Even if you don’t have the strength to talk because of fatigue, it’s enough just to sit side by side, holding hands and listening to the beating of your hearts. It can only be unison if you learn to find time to be alone. Do not refer to employment and other reasons, otherwise the family will continue to crumble.

10. Give gifts

Not only with or without it. A small present, even a penny trifle or a modest flower, is a powerful expression of your attention. So you show your warm attitude to the second half. Agree, it is difficult to be offended by a person who, with a kind smile, will present just like that (!), Without a birthday, on March 8 or February 23, a box of chocolates or a set of fishing hooks.

Very often, conflicts between close people - husband and wife, children and parents - arise literally from nothing. One said what he thinks (after all, it is considered correct to talk about his feelings), while the other for some reason was offended and closed up. How can you really talk about feelings, and how can you not? Two stories and a workshop from psychologist Valentina Moskalenko.

In life, relationships between close people do not always develop smoothly. Often people get angry, offended at each other, angry. And each of the partners can be right in their own way. Our feelings are natural and changeable - this is characteristic of human nature.

It is very important that you understand this. Moreover, a person needs not only to know that they understand him, but also to hear confirmation of this: “Yes, I understand you, I know how you feel now. Something similar happened to me too.”

Feelings are an integral part of our being. If they are rejected or not taken seriously, then the very essence of man is rejected. This means that he does not receive the necessary confirmation of his value, which means that he is not dear to someone.

Sharing feelings, empathy is very close. It is not at all comfortable for each of us to live in complete isolation, to hide our thoughts and feelings from people. The feeling that someone else perceives us helps us to accept ourselves, paves the way for intimacy, for real intimacy.

Separation of feelings is also necessary because positive experiences are strengthened, while negative ones are weakened. So, empathizing with a loved one, we not only confirm his importance in his own eyes, but also help him improve his mental health, that is, as if we act as a psychotherapist.

To begin with, we will learn to be good listeners for our loved ones.

So, in order to build a reliable relationship, it is important to discuss your experiences with a loved one, especially those that concern us the most. This is called emotional honesty.

I have two neighbors, my friends. Our apartments are located in the same corridor. They used to share their problems with me.

One, Tamara Ivanovna, has a son, Tolya. He is 16. About a year ago, Tolya began to carefully monitor his clothes, spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, and generally pay attention to his appearance. His mother, fearing for his performance at school, tried to correct the situation (although what to correct - after all, everything is going fine, in accordance with the nature of a sixteen-year-old boy!).

Isn't it for the sake of that girl who asks you about your homework five times a day, are you parting for half an hour today?

None of your business, - Tolya answered rudely.

His mother wanted to distract him, began to ask about his studies, but he became isolated and did not tell anything. Tamara is now very worried, as if the relationship with her son would not break completely. Tolya believes that they do not understand him. The mother worries that she is not respected.

Another neighbor, Vera Maksimovna, has more serious problems. Her mother lies with the consequences of a stroke in a neurological clinic. Vera goes to the hospital every day after work. It is necessary to feed mom, and make the bed, and wipe the body so that pressure sores do not form.

Vera's husband, Victor, does not object aloud to his wife's frequent visits to his mother, but behaves at the same time like an offended, neglected little boy. He seems to be saying with all his appearance: "I need you so much, without your care I feel abandoned. And you continue to pay attention only to your mother, and not to me."

In both cases, there was no confirmation of feelings in the relationships between people. If the young man's mother had not questioned the truth and adequacy of her son's feelings, she would not have laughed at his parting. By the way, the desired goal - to direct his energy to study - was not achieved. Tolya began to study more casually. Silent at home. The absence of open relationships does not contribute to anything good, including academic achievements.

Victor did not dare to voice his claims to the attention of his wife. He knew what she would say: "Mom is so sick and helpless, it's my duty to be there." Vera would be offended, hurt by the fact that he does not understand elementary things, she could even accuse her husband of callousness. These would be her protective forms of behavior.

If the first story has a disappointing ending - the son and mother experience alienation and do not know how to improve relations, then the second one has a happier ending.

Vera once said:

I would be glad to stay with you in the evening more often, Vitya. But you know that now mom needs care.

Don't worry, I understand you, - Victor squeezed out of himself, despite the offense. And the amazing thing is that the insult immediately disappeared somewhere.

I'm glad you understand how I feel. I would like to be at the same time near my mother and with you.

What happened in the conversation between Victor and Vera? There was confirmation of each other's feelings. She took the first step towards him, seeing that he was biting like an offended boy. And with her behavior, it was as if she said to him: “I agree with you. You are absolutely right. We don’t spend enough time together, my mother does not want to take away precious time from us. But you can’t live without doing what you have to do. This is my duty to care for a sick mother, but I understand your needs."

Instead of defending her position, her absolute rightness, Vera confirmed only one thing - his feelings are real, true and appropriate. There are no wrong feelings. There is only an inappropriate way of expressing them.

Feeling resentment, indignation, irritation, bitterness, annoyance is normal. And a loved one can recognize and confirm these feelings. Perhaps here lies the key to resolving many crises. Without confirmation of feelings, relationships can be damaged irreparably.

If Vera had not been able to forgive Victor his offense (“At such an hour he thinks only of himself. What an egoist!”), then Victor would not have forgiven her for rejecting him at the moment when he wanted rapprochement and needed her. To understand the feelings of another does not mean to agree with him in everything. It's about respecting the similarities and differences between you.

Validation of feelings is one of the cornerstones of good, lasting relationships. Otherwise, the couple's life turns into a struggle for power, a competition for the top. And we enter into close relationships not for competition, but for partnership.

Recognition of the feelings and merits of another person does not mean at all that any criticism, expression of discontent is excluded. If you are dissatisfied with something in the behavior of a partner, you may well criticize him.

However, when criticizing his actions, do not question human dignity. The conversation might go something like this:

I'm sorry you didn't want to be the leader of the group.

Why do I need this, the salary will increase just nothing, but the responsibility will fall hoo much.

It's good that you're so responsible. But you need to grow professionally. Are you missing your chance?

This can be the end of the conversation. Now imagine what would happen if you were talking like a dictator:

Look, do not miss the opportunity. Now you must take this place!

I know without you.

You know a lot! You're always letting others get around you, you dumbass!

What strength of relationship can we talk about in such a situation?!

It may not take much effort to build close, trusting relationships, provided that the most important thing in relationships is trust, honesty, openness.

However, to begin with, it is worth remembering the reasons why they should not be started at all:

• Pressure from family or friends.
• Loneliness.
• Naive love. When it seems that love is the solution to all problems and the only meaning of life.
• Self-doubt or complexes. This inevitably leads to: we love a partner only as long as he makes us feel better. And in such conditions, real intimacy cannot appear.

1. Be realistic

True love is not at all like romantic love, which makes us not notice the shortcomings of a partner. It's a choice. This is the constant support of another person, regardless of the circumstances. This is an understanding that your relationship will not always be cloudless. This is the need to deal with the problems of a partner, his fears and thoughts, even when you don’t feel like it at all.

Such love is more prosaic, it requires much more effort from partners. But still, it gives a person much more. After all, in the end, it brings the present, and not another short-lived euphoria.

2. Respect each other

This is the main thing in a relationship. Not attraction, not shared goals, not religion, not even love. There will be moments when you start to feel like you don't love each other at all anymore. But if you lose respect for your partner, you won't be able to get him back.

Communication, no matter how open and frequent it may be, in any case, someday will come to a standstill. Conflicts and insults cannot be avoided.

The only thing that will save your relationship is unwavering respect. Without it, you will always doubt each other's intentions, judge your partner's choices, and try to limit their independence.

In addition, you also need to respect yourself. Without self-respect, you will not be able to feel that you deserve the respect of a partner. You will constantly try to prove that you deserve it, and as a result, only your relationship.

• Never complain about your partner to friends. If you are unhappy with something in his behavior, discuss it with him, and not with friends and relatives.
• Be respectful that your partner may have interests, hobbies, and views that are different from yours.
• Consider the opinion of your half. Remember, you are one team. If someone alone is dissatisfied, then you need to look for a solution to the problem together.
• Do not keep everything to yourself, discuss any problems. You should not have taboo topics of conversation.

Respect is directly related to trust. A is the basis of any relationship (not just romantic ones). Without it, there can be no feeling of intimacy and calmness.

3. Discuss all problems

If you don't like something, be sure to discuss it. No one will fix your relationship for you. The main thing for maintaining trust is absolute honesty and openness of both partners.

• Share your doubts and fears, especially those you don't share with anyone else. This will help not only heal some emotional wounds, but also better understand the partner.
• Keep your promises. The only way to restore trust is to keep your word.
• Learn to distinguish between the suspicious behavior of a partner and your own complexes. Usually during one person thinks that his behavior is completely normal, and the same thing seems categorically wrong to another.

Trust is like a porcelain plate. If it falls and breaks, then with great difficulty it can still be glued back together. If you break it a second time, there will be twice as many fragments, and it will also take more time and effort to put them together. But if you drop the plate over and over again, in the end, it will break into such small pieces that it will be impossible to glue them together.

4. Don't try to control each other

We often hear that relationships require sacrifice. There is some truth in this: sometimes you really have to give up something. But if both partners constantly sacrifice themselves, they are unlikely to be happy. Such a relationship in the end will only harm them both.

Each person should be an independent person with their own views and interests.

Trying to make your partner happy (or allowing you to control your own actions), you will not achieve anything good.

Some are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. The reason for this may be a lack of confidence or self-doubt. The less we value ourselves, the more we will try to control our partner's behavior.

5. Be prepared for both of you to change.

Over time, you and your partner will change - this is completely natural. Therefore, it is important to always be aware of the ongoing changes and treat them with respect.

If you plan to spend several decades together, you need to be prepared for difficulties and unforeseen situations.

Among the significant changes that many couples face may be a change in religion and political views, moving to another country, (including children).

When you start dating, you only know what this person is now. You have no way of knowing what it will be like in five or 10 years. Therefore, you need to be prepared for the unexpected. Of course, it's not easy. But the ability to quarrel properly can help here.

6. Learn to fight

Psychologist John Gottman identified four signs of behavior that indicate a possible breakup:

1. Criticism of character (“You are stupid” instead of “You acted stupidly”).
2. Blame shifting.
3. Insults.
4. Avoiding a quarrel and ignoring a partner.

Therefore, it is worth learning to quarrel correctly:

• Do not recall previous scandals during one quarrel. This will not solve anything, but will only aggravate the situation.
• If the fight escalates, stop. Go outside and walk around a bit. Return to the conversation only when you cool down.
• Remember, someone in a quarrel is not as important as the feeling that you were listened to with respect.
• Don't try to avoid quarrels. Express your pain and admit what worries you.

7. Learn to forgive

Do not try to change your partner - this is a sign of disrespect. Accept the fact that you have disagreements, love the person in spite of them, and try to forgive.

But how do you learn to forgive?

• When the fight is over, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. Leave all conflicts in the past, and do not remember them every month.
• You don't have to keep an account. Relationships should not have winners and losers. Everything should be done and given free of charge, that is, without manipulation and expectation of something in return.
• When a partner commits, separate his behavior from his intentions. Do not forget that you appreciate and love in a partner. Everyone makes mistakes. And if a person made a mistake, this does not mean at all that he secretly hates you and wants to leave.

8. Be pragmatic

Any relationship is not perfect, because we ourselves are not perfect. Therefore, be pragmatic: determine what each of you is good at, what you like and dislike to do, and then assign responsibilities.

In addition, many couples are advised to determine some rules in advance. For example, how will you share all expenses? How much are you willing to borrow? How much can each partner spend without consulting the other? What do you need to buy together? How will you decide where to go on vacation?

Some even hold "annual reports" during which they discuss how to run the business and decide what to change on the farm. This, of course, sounds trite, but this approach really helps to be aware of the needs and requirements of a partner and strengthens relationships.

9. Mind the little things

Simple signs of attention, compliments and support mean a lot. All these little things accumulate over time and affect how you perceive your relationship. Therefore, many advise to continue, get out somewhere for the weekend and be sure to find time for sex, even when you are tired. Physical intimacy not only keeps a relationship healthy, it even helps mend it when things go wrong.

This becomes especially important with the advent of children. In modern culture, they are almost prayed for. It is believed that parents should sacrifice everything for them.

The best guarantee that children will grow up healthy and happy is a healthy and happy relationship between parents.

So let your relationship always come first.

10. Learn to Catch a Wave

Relationships can be compared to waves on the sea. Such waves are different, ups and downs in relationships. Some last only a few hours, others several months or even years.

The main thing is not to forget that these waves by themselves practically do not reflect the quality of the relationship. They are influenced by many external factors: loss or change of job, death of relatives, moving, financial difficulties. You just need to catch the wave with your partner, wherever it takes you.